20 Random Things You Didn't (or Maybe Did) Know About Me

I'm really bored lately. Can't keep on task and don't really care. I think I need a little mental break to chill out, then get back to it.

Awhile ago on Pinterest (I LOVE Pinterest!!), I saw a post that was something about good questions to ask your husband. In typical pinterest fashion, when I went to the website behind the pin, it was a blog (http://cherishinghopesanddreams.blogspot.ca/2012/01/30-things.html). She had a really killer list of blog topics, which as we know, can be a problem for me. First things first, 20 random things you didn't (or maybe did) know about me.

1) My favourite colour is purple... okay, yes, you probably knew that about me.

2) As a child, I was quite certain that I would live in Toronto when I grew up.

3) My guilty pleasure is pop music.

4) When I'm listening to music in my car, I am having "concerts". I make up the scenario of where I am, who's there, and I'm singing at the top of my lungs as if I was the actual artist on the radio.

5) I skipped kindergarten. Up, I went straight from JK to grade 1. I am awesome.

6) I've played the piano since I was 3, but never took any of the official tests.

7) My favourite movie as a kid was Annie. This inspired me to tap dance. I started taking lessons when I was in grade 5 or 6.

8) I've never caught a fly ball in baseball/softball, even though I played for many years as a kid and have played in a co-ed league ever summer for the past 5 years or so. It's a goal. Every year.

9) I generally find myself quite witty and funny.

10) I met my husband when I was approx. 14 years and 52 days old. That means when I'm 28 years and 104 days old, I will have officially known him for half my life. This happens on November 13, 2012..... or in 26 days.

11) I bought my very first car, a Ford Focus, in September 2007. Her name is Frenchie, and I still drive her.

12) I have three songs permanently stuck in my head. I may start singing them at any time. They are:

• Cher - If I Could Turn Back Time
• Hanson - MmmBop
• The Tokens - In The Jungle (The Lion Sleeps Tonight)

13) I hate Hanson.

14) I have celiac disease. It's an auto immune disorder. You will have it forever and ever and ever and there is no cure. The only way to keep the symptoms of it at bay is to live on a gluten free diet. I haven't (intentionally) eaten anything with gluten in it for over 10 years.

15) I think my cats are cuter than your cats. Your cat might be cute, but no one is cuter than Chloe and Ralph. And yes, Ralph is cuter than Chloe.

16) I wrote my LSATs and considered going to law school. I scored a 158 and was in the 75th percentile rank. I suck at reading comprehension and it killed me on the exam. I then decided I didn't want to go to law school and never even applied.

17) I still don't know what I want to do with my life.

18) I've been going to London Knights hockey games since I was 9 years old. They sucked really bad when I started going and I was contently made fun of for going to the games. I still find it embarrassing to admit that I have season tickets. Even thought they are awesome now and everyone loves them.

19) I've started to realize that next year, I will for sure know more than I know right now. But I'll still be shocked about how I viewed life and the things I assumed right now when I look back in a year.

20) I despise talking on the phone. I get all nervous and awkward and can't stand it!

What about mental illness makes me blog so much?

I don't know the answer to that, so I hope you weren't expecting to see the answer :)

On Tuesday I had the pleasure of seeing Michael Lansberg speak about mental illness at a fundraiser (which is what I originally wanted to talk about, but I think I need to tell my story first. I talk about mental illness all the time, but I don't think I've ever really told my whole story... unless of course you're in my family or one of my pscyhologist/psychatrists, then you probably don't totally know it).

I'm currently in early recovery from my third major episode of mental illness in the past 10 years (first in Decmeber 2003, second in November 2008, third in April 2012). This third "episode" (or whatever you want to call it) has been particularily rough on me. I know the cliches... life's a journey, you'll always be learning, happiness is a journey, blah blah blah. But actually understanding them and knowing them in your core is a completely different thing from hearing them said and conceptually knowing.

I spent all of 2011 weening off of Effexor. Getting off Effexor is not a walk in the park. I started it in November 2008 when I was in a very very low and dark place. I wasn't functioning, was unable to leave my house, was constantly scared that I was going to die every second of every day. Sound irrational? Good, because it was. I was working from a very tiny little spot in my brain that only works in irrational thinking.

Effexor. Is it good? Is it bad? Hard to say. I struggled going on medication then because didn't medication just mean you were weak? Aren't meds over prescribed? A quick fix to help you ignore what's actually going on? These are still thoughts that play in my mind... Are meds over prescribed? Yes, they are. Is it a quick fix to help? Kind of, but in some cases it might be the only fix. I know deep in my soul that there was nothing but medication that could take me from where I was in November 2008 and make me function again. Effexor saved my life. I still think it's kind of evil, but it did save my life.

Fast forward two years. I'm feeling great. I am living a great life. I am happy, I am healthy and things are great. I've gained 50 pounds from the meds and I've got horrible acne from the meds, but I feel good. I feel so good, I'm ready to get off the meds (yes, looking back on this I see how niave it is... at the time, it didn't feel niave).

I believe that Effexor has more withdrawal side effects than taking it side effects. Every time I'd lower the dose I'd go through some sort of mental distress... depression, increased anxiety, kind of manic... you name it, I felt it throughout 2011. The last month was the worst. Heart palpitations, night sweats, these weird feelings of being in a full out panic attacks but only feeling the physical symptoms, no mental symptoms... it was just not fun. But Christmas Day 2011 was my last day. I noticed the constant ringing in my ears shortly after that. Turns out Effexor is a drug that is ototoxic, which means: Having a toxic effect on the ear or its nerve supply. Let me tell you, constant ringing in the ears is enough to make a "normal" person go crazy.

So, here we are... mid-April 2012. Not even four full months since getting off Effexor. Wait, let me say, January and February were awesome. I still felt great. Life was good AND I was off Effexor. I was losing weight faster than I put it on, my skin was clearing up (I no longer had skin that looked like it belonged on a 15 year old going through puberty). And I felt great. And I felt like my anxiety was gone. I was all better. It was something that had happened, and it was gone. I was cured.

But here we are, April 2012. I am not good. I am not functioning. And this time it's different. I can leave the house, I'm not scared. I can be in lines at stores, I can drive my car. I'm not scared. I just don't want to. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to watch TV. I don't want to read. I don't want to go for a walk. I don't want to work. I don't even want to lay in bed. I don't want to be. Every second I'm thinking of how my ears are ringing and now it's ruining my life. Of how I'm not going to be able to get through this day. How can I possibly sit through a day listening to my ears ring. I have to say that from here my thoughts would spiral and spiral and spiral.. they'd become darker and more irrational. But I couldn't make it stop. Long story short: emergency room, psychatrist, new medication.

I've been taking my Cipralex for almost four weeks now. I feel.... better. I don't feel great. I feel good-ish. I feel better. What I know now, that I didn't know two months ago even, is that my anxiety is not gone. Not only is it not gone, it's best friend depression is also around. What I know now, is that it will never be gone. I want it gone, so I'm still working on accepting the fact that it won't go away. I don't want to "deal" or "cope" with a mental illness, I just want it gone. But it's an illness. Illnesses don't just go away. I've also realized that I "deal" and "cope" with having celiac disease every second of every day in my life, but it's just not that big of a deal anymore because I'm used to it.

I wonder if I will get "used" to my mental illness?

I know this....
I am leaps and bounds from where I was in November 2008. I have grown as a human and a spirital being in ways I didn't think I could. I know my journey and evolving is on going (however... just because I know, doesn't mean I fully understand and accept). I know I have a mental illness. I know I can feel great. I know there will likely be times when I am irrational and I think my world is ending and that I will never ever possibly feel good again. I know it's scary. I know that I am sick, I'm not weak (stole that from Michael Lansberg, and I like it). I know it's hard for others to understand, because I don't understand everyone else's mental illness either. But I know I will feel great and life will be great and that better days are ahead (hello cliche).

Talk about it. That's really all you can do.

Let's talk

Mental illness is near and dear to my heart (and mind) and I love any company, group and/or day that works to draw awareness to the STIGMA around mental illness. Today is Bell's Lets Talk Day, and I think it's a great idea!

I was reading an article in the Huffington Post Canada about mental illness where the author mentions how everyone will be able to Google him and see about his mental illness - potential employers, girlfriends, family, etc. Hmmm... that's interesting. Because I guess it's the same way for me (maybe, how "Google-able" is my blog??) and that's concerning because people JUDGE you based on this one tiny thing in your life.

My first thought was "Shit, I should probably remove my blogs about my mental illness".

My second thought was "Fuck it - isn't that the point of my blogs about my mental illness".

If you want to judge me for it, go ahead (and yes, I'll then judge you for being someone who judges someone based on it). For more thoughts on judging me, go here: I am someone with an anxieity/panic disorder

Oh, and those of you on the Bell network - TEXT A TON today! Five cents for every text will be donated to mental health programs.